Government

I'm A Republican. Whose Word Can I Trust?

The quest for truth. The loneliest quest of them all.

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MAGA hatI’m just a typical MAGA Republican searching for the truth. Whose word can I trust?

I know I can’t trust the mainstream media. I’ve been hearing since Sarah Palin’s assault on the “lamestream media” that any reputable source of news is not trustworthy.

I know I can’t trust the thousands of government employees officiating over elections in the United States. Those bastards all conspired to make it look as though Trump didn’t win the presidency in 2020.

I know I can’t trust academia. The universities are all left-leaning pillars of corruption.

I know I can’t trust grand juries. Two of them have indicted Donald Trump, for heaven’s sake.

I know I can’t trust petit juries. One of them has held that Trump is liable for sexual battery.

I know I can’t trust state prosecutors. Trump has been indicted.

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I know I can’t trust federal prosecutors. The Department of Justice has been “weaponized” and Special Prosecutor Jack Smith is “deranged.” No one would trust those clowns.

I know I can’t trust any of the other government agencies.

The FBI can’t be trusted, of course. They’ve investigated Donald Trump over and over again.

The CDC lied about COVID.

The FDA approves vaccines that aren’t safe.

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I can’t trust physicians. Those jerks tell me that I should be vaccinated against COVID.

I can’t trust any government officials. They’re all part of the deep state.

I can’t trust attorneys general in particular. Shoot — Republicans in the Senate tanked Merrick Garland’s chance to be on the Supreme Court. How could he ever be fair? And former Attorney General Bill Barr is a “gutless pig.” They’re all worthless.

I can’t trust current members of the Cabinet. Joe Biden appointed them. And I can’t trust Trump’s appointees either. John Bolton, for example, is “grossly incompetent and a liar.” Former White House chief of staff John Kelly was “born with a VERY small brain.” And who could possibly have appointed such morons as former Defense Secretary James Mattis, former national security adviser H.R. McMaster, former Homeland Security adviser Tom Bossert, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci, former White House Counsel Ty Cobb, and all the rest of them? Liars, one and all.

I’m trying to find just one person whose word I can trust. One person of integrity. One person with vast knowledge of all public affairs. One person known for telling the truth and pursuing the national interest without fear or favor.

Like Diogenes, I’m searching for an honest man.

Oh, wait! There’s a guy who fills Truth Social with ungrammatical, all-caps rants! And he wears a red baseball cap! I think I’ll take his word against all others.

Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a partner at a leading international law firm and is now deputy general counsel at a large international company. He is the author of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate links). You can reach him by email at inhouse@abovethelaw.com.

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