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Is Rudy 'Big Tits' Giuliani Too Filthy To Arrest? Excerpts From A Recent Civil Suit May Explain His Apparent Immunity.

Sorry about your lunch, America. 

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(Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

Unlike his famous client, Rudy Giuliani, AKA “Co-Conspirator 1,” has thus far managed to avoid being criminally indicted. He has, however, managed to embroil himself in all manner of civil litigation, thanks both to election interference as well as his own personal proclivities.

Indeed, America’s Mayor has fashioned himself into something of a case study on how far one man can fall: Once you’ve leaked hair dye on national television, held a press conference in a landscaper’s parking lot across from a porn shop, and grabbed your “chram” in a Borat film, are there depths of humiliation still left unplumbed?

Turns out, there are. Because Giuliani is now embroiled in  a $10 million lawsuit brought in May by a former employee named Noelle Dunphy in which she alleges that Giuliani engaged in an astonishing pattern of sexual assault, labor violations, and breach of his duties as her attorney.

Dunphy’s complaint was full of salacious allegations and references to recordings she made of Giuliani. For instance, she wrote that Giuliani offered to represent her pro bono in a previously filed suit against her former romantic partner, but then offered to pay her to drop the claim if she would sleep with him:

Giuliani told Ms. Dunphy that he wanted her to end her domestic violence litigation because he felt it was interfering with his sex life with her, and he did not want her to be “distracted” by it. Giuliani promised Ms. Dunphy that he would give her $300,000 in exchange for her waiving her legal rights as against her abusive ex-boyfriend, and if she would “fuck me like crazy.” After realizing what he had said, Giuliani attempted to backtrack and stated, “we won’t put that last part, we’ll say for other consideration not appropriate [to] mention.” This conversation was recorded.

In June, Rudy moved to strike the complaint, or in the alternative to strike the “highly prejudicial and scandalous allegations solely included to inflame the potential jury and the public at large; engender unfavorable media coverage for the Defendants; and ultimately, embarrass the Defendants into a settlement.”

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He not only denied all her claims, but insisted that her quotes were fabricated or plagiarized:

Finally, Defendants move to strike Paragraphs 142-144, 147-148 of the Complaint, in which Plaintiff makes graphic allegations regarding Mr. Giuliani’s supposed sexual proclivities. These allegations purport to allege in detail how Mayor Giuliani called Ms. Dunphy sexually charged names, how he told her she reminded him of his daughter; and how he supposedly suggested that they engage in BDSM and certain, other purportedly aggressive sexual acts. As with the other allegations in the Complaint, these allegations are also false and they are largely plagiarized from Ms. Dunphy’s other lawsuits. These allegations are solely meant to inflame, gain media attention with salacious allegations, portray Mr. Giuliani as a sexual deviant, and otherwise taint the potential jury pool.

He also moved to sanction Dunphy for what he described as a pattern of filing extortionate lawsuits against romantic partners.

In response, Dunphy and her lawyers docketed their own motion for sanctions, buttressed by a dozen highly embarrassing transcripts of recordings she made of Giuliani saying exactly what she’d alleged in her complaint.

In addition to all the icky soft-porn dialogue, we got …

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Rudy on the Jews:

Jews. They want to go through that freaking Passover all the time. Man, oh, man. Get over the Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. Okay, the Red Sea parted. Big deal. Not the first time that happened.

Rudy on Jewish cocks:

The way natural selection works. Jewish men have small cocks because they can’t use them after they get married. Whereas the Italian men use them all their lives so they get bigger.

Rudy on Jews, Arabs, sheep, and Joe Biden:

It’s like those freaking Arabs are the ones that’s forcing us to use their sheep, and the Arabs say, “It’s those darn Jews that are forcing us to use their sheep.” Somebody should tell them it’s Moses and Muhammed who did it.

So, did you see this stuff with Biden now? They’ve got pictures of him in rather compromising situations, touching these little girls. Little girls … He may really be a weirdo.

Rudy on Matt Damon:

Matt Damon is a fag. Matt Damon is also 5’2. Eyes are blue. Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo.

And of course, Rudy on breasts:

Come here, big tits. Come here, big tits. Your tits belong to me. Give them to me. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. I want to claim my tits. These are my tits.

These breasts belong to me. Nobody else can get near these, okay? I don’t care if they’re flirting or they give you business cards. These are mine, you got it?

Check under “HURL” in Black’s Law Dictionary — you’ll find Rudy’s color photo. (Probably a still from Borat.)

But this does suggest an interesting theory as to how the former president’s lawyer has managed to evade prosecution despite having all his electronics seized by the government after apparently engaging in multiple public crime sprees.

What if Rudy is so filthy and gross that no prosecutor will touch his case, literally or figuratively? What if reading his comms fills lawyers with such existential horror and dread that they defer charges because “MY GOD, MY EYES?” Maybe he’s made himself immune to prosecution through sheer ickiness, like the Pigpen character on Peanuts, but with Scotch and flopsweat and dollar store hair spray instead of dirt.

Or maybe he’s going to get himself indicted soon after all. Yeah, it’s probably that one.

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she writes about law and politics and appears on the Opening Arguments podcast.

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